


Aftershock

by TracedViolet



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autistic Sollux, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-31 01:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21028235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TracedViolet/pseuds/TracedViolet
Summary: It’s only times like this, when it’s finally quiet, and warm. When my body’s too tired to fight or move that I don’t hate myself so much. Mostly because I don't know who or where I am. Only when I forget that my name is Sollux Captor am I truly, honestly, ok.





	Aftershock

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before I knew I was on the spectrum so this is a quick fic from the perspective of someone who knows they have bipolar disorder but doesnt know they're autistic.

I’m still a little shaky and my eyes hurt like hell but I'm not really concerned about that at the moment. It’s over now. I made it through the night and this is just the aftershock from the first meltdown I’ve had in little over a month. That’s a new record. Aradia was actually starting to be proud of me. She said I was making progress but I blew it over something as stupid as a line of code.

but it wasn’t just a line of code. It was my failure to fix it. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t good enough. It was just one of the many things I couldn’t do right. All I do is destroy and all she said was “It’s not your fault”.

Sometimes, I’m almost thankful for the meltdowns because when they’re over and I’m too tired to scream anymore, It’s finally quiet. There’s no more voices, no more circling thoughts telling me that I’m missing something. That there’s not enough time and there are things that need to be finished immediately but I can’t reach them because I’m too god damn lazy.

I’m just not trying hard enough. I could do it. I could keep up with all my responsibilities. I could have friends. I could exist beyond my computer screen but I don’t because it all just seems like too much.  
She says It’s just my brain. that my wires are just a little mixed up. She says I’m not in this alone but there’s no pride in that. I don’t want to be the victim of my multitude of mental disorders. The pills only fix half of it. I have to fix the other.

so why don’t I? Why can’t I just suck it up and deal with it? Why does it hurt so bad to do all the things everyone else can do? Is it really this painful or am I just making it up because I don’t want to do it?  
I wouldn’t stop screaming. my throat felt like it was closing up. I couldn’t see through the tears. I couldn’t imagine any other choices besides failure. I felt like I was going to throw up because there was nothing. There was absolutely nothing I could do but sit there and cry.

I don’t know what I would do without her. She’s too good for me. Nobody should have to put up with my constant anger, my never ending depression and these fits of terror where all I can do is scream about how I can’t explain what it’s like. I can’t tell her what it’s like to hold a galaxy in my mind. to have thirty thousand thoughts bouncing back and forth in my skull and how much it hurts. It hurts so bad.

she shouldn’t have to hide razor blades from me and remind me to sleep and eat. She shouldn’t have to hold me down until I stop thrashing and rub my back when I’m too afraid to let go. She shouldn’t have to love me because I can’t seem to love myself. 

I shouldn’t have to need her and I bare that guilt every second of everyday. She says I don’t have to keep apologizing for everything I do. She says I don’t have to be sorry for my own existence but I am because If I wasn’t, I don’t think I could exist at all.

It’s only times like this, when it’s finally quiet, and warm. When my body’s too tired to fight or move that I don’t hate myself so much. Mostly because I don't know who or where I am. Only when I forget that my name is Sollux Captor am I truly, honestly, ok.


End file.
